Horror movies, my foot.

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Whenever I’m feeling down and I need a good laugh, I go watch a horror movie. I get that that may seem a little counter-intuitive – or make me seem psychopathic. I promise I’m not crazy; really, it makes sense.

Horror movies aren’t all that scary at all, if you think about it. Sure, people may die gruesome and horrible deaths, or they may be possessed by some sort of otherworldly creature, but the only reason any of that stuff happens is because the characters are really, really stupid.

Think about it: There’s one classic scene that pops up in almost every horror movie. In this scene, the girl hears a noise, walks into a dark room without turning on the lights, says “Hello?” and is murdered.

What on earth is she thinking? It’s so unrealistic! Anyone in that situation would at least turn on the lights. Producers may think that it’s more scary in the dark, but honestly, that just ruins it for me. That character was only killed because of her own stupidity. And this happens way too often.

Take the movie “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark” for example.  The girl, Sally, repeatedly hears weird noises in the basement and walks down the stairs in the middle of the night with no light. Then the little monsters try to kill her. Sally has an excuse, being a little kid, but a grown man does the same thing and gets stabbed to death with scissors and drills. Predictable much?

That’s another funny thing about horror movies – even if I haven’t seen the movie before, it’s still incredibly easy to guess what’s going to happen next. So many horror movies follow almost exactly the same pattern – a family moves into a haunted house with a bad history, and they get haunted by the ghosts of its past. Same old, same old. It makes me laugh how easily it is to predict what’s going to happen.

Even when they don’t follow that stereotypical plotline, like the movie “The Thing,” predicting them is still easy. Here’s an easy guide to predicting a horror movie:

1. The main character is going to be the only one to see or believe in the monsters, demons, or other antagonists.

2. All the other characters will struggle believing in the monster, and some very dramatic event – usually a murder – will bring them around, but usually too late to stop it.

3. Many more people will die, usually because they go wandering around in the dark alone.

4. The main character will devise a way to stop the monster, or bring into play someone who can help.

5. Mostly everyone dies in the end, and the survivors live on with a new appreciation and understanding of evil. If only a guy and girl survive, their experience bonds them and they get married.

So, when you’re watching a horror movie and you know pretty much what’s going to happen, the dramatic, suspenseful build-up is actually pretty funny to watch.