Obama and Big Business: “Baby, Let’s Leave this Ugliness behind Us”

Obama, Daley, and Bla-go-je... how do you pronounce this?
Obama, Daley, and Bla-go-je... how do you pronounce this?

Barack Obama’s alliance with big business has flipped once again. After two years of inconsistent dating, President Obama is once again trying to win the hearts of corporate America. This time, he is making a tremendous gesture by appointing William Daley, genuine businessman, as his brand new, super efficient, mega awesome Chief of Staff! I will pause so you can take in the sheer authoritative impact of this most illustrious title. Unfortunately, this time big business might not be so eager to give Obama a second chance. Let us examine this rocky “Jersey Shore” type relationship.

The relationship started out smooth with lots of potential. ‘Corporate bailouts for all,’ was his game and big business ate it up. After his failed lawsuit against Japanese automaker, Toyota, (Fear not, you will not get to hear about it since the press will not want to point out our great leader’s shortcomings) Obama turned his back on big business including Ford and GM by “reforming” healthcare and Wall Street.

Whether his implantations were effective or not, his actions were met with huge backlash from the Wall Street citizens. You might be wondering, why should I care about those money hoarding cooperate suits? That is a good question, consumer. Big business provides the Starbucks coffee you are so fond of, the Abercrombie and Fitch you and your little brother shop at, and the senselessly testosterone-pumped Nike commercials you get so hyped over. They also provide a majority of the jobs in America as well as a majority of educational and scholarship donations.

But let’s not get off the topic.

Now, Barack Obama is trying to win the favor of big business once again by appointing JP Morgan Chase Executive, William Daley, as the new Chief of Staff. There is no punch line. Barak Obama actually appoints an intelligent man to a position of power in his cabinet. But how will this change the playing field?

Daley offers the Obama administration real world business and economics expertise. He served under former President Bill Clinton as Secretary of Commerce and practically ran his brother’s mayoral campaign in Chicago. He helped JP Morgan Chase grow in a time of economic recession. He also has the mental capacity to stand against healthcare reform.

In short, he is the type of man whom Barack Obama would not want in office. So why is our president not appointing another college drinking buddy into a high ranking position and instead chose a real businessman? Well first of all, obviously, Daley is a liberal for the most part. Secondly, Barack Obama needs someone to use as a figurehead to show big business that he is once again down with them. Daley is the perfect man. He has experience, he has the ability, and he knows his target demographic. Barack pulled an Angelina and adopted this man of Wall Street so therefore all is good, right?

Not quite.

In terms that we are familiar with, Obama essentially cheated on his boo and no one likes a cheater. The appointment of Daley is equivalent to a half dozen Safeway roses and some cheap chocolate and I doubt big business is going to buy it so easily. Once Obama realizes the Daley ploy will not work, we will be seeing a new Chief of Staff appointed.

Now, there are some ways Obama can still work things out with big business. First, they should sit down and talk about how their actions make each other feel. For example, if I were BP, I would be very upset if Obama gave me exclusive rights to drill in the Gulf of Mexico (because I was special) and then turns around and acts like I do not even exist when I make a mistake. Secondly, they should talk about what they really want in their relationship. Obama just might be interested in big business financial backing if he decides to run for reelection. And last but not least, use protection. He needs a backup plan in case this Daley scheme comes back to bite him in the posterior. Then again, his best strategies seem to be run and hide and of course, deny, deny, deny.

P.S. Word of advice to anyone trying to mend a shatter relationship. Lying to get what you want does not make you a bad person, it makes you a good negotiator. Just ask Senator Stupak.