Oh god, is it that time already? I thought I had more time to prepare! I haven’t even lowered my IQ by bashing my head into a cement wall yet! I’m not ready to suffer intellectual death! Mommy!
The season of summer blockbusters is upon us. For those of you who don’t know, a “summer blockbuster” is defined as “a movie with no inherent value, built upon the premise that American movie-goers have the mental capacity of an eight-year-old who huffs glue. Usually constructed of big-name actors; gaudy, special effects-laden action sequences; and enough explosions to leave an afterglow in the eyes of a blind man.
“Attending a showing of a summer blockbuster is mentally harmful, and if viewed by anyone possessing anything even remotely similar to intelligence, can lead to sudden and irrevocable sadness for the future of humanity.”
But I suppose that that’s why we love them.
So in keeping with that definition, here is a list of movies that more than likely will turn your brain into something resembling a crushed banana slug, but will likely give you a good excuse to eat movie popcorn.
“The Last Airbender”: Dir. by M. Night Shyamalan
Pretty much every reputable source on earth just dropped their pants and collectively coated this movie in a mound of metaphorical fecal matter so high, God had to light a match.
“Despicable Me”: No one cares who directed it; it has Steve Carell in it.
This is supposedly a tale of an evil scientist who discovers the power of love, or some equally ridiculous cookie-cutter plot. It’s just going to be another lame 3D movie that hundreds of soccer moms will take their 10-year-olds to, and is a movie that will most likely die in a hole.
“The Sorcerer’s Apprentice”: Dir. by Jon Turteltaub
It has really nice looking special effects, which in no way whatsoever will outweigh the fact that Nicholas Cage is in it. Run for your friggin’ life.
“Salt”: Dir. by Phillip Noyce
Angelina Jolie (whom I do not find attractive AT ALL and don’t understand how anyone can) goes all Jason Bourne on the government. Might be decent.
“Ramona and Beezus”: Dir. by Elizabeth Allen
Remember how Hollywood is doing that thing? Y’know, raping your childhood, the ‘80s, and comic books? This is more of that.
“The Expendables”: Dir. by Sylvester Stallone
Every action hero known to man – all crammed into one movie. I think that’s pretty much the plot synopsis, actually. Let’s find out… wow. The actual, official synopsis is “A team of mercenaries go on a mission to overthrow a South American dictator.” That’s it. Amazing.
“Scott Pilgrim vs. the World”: Dir. by Edgar Wright
This, despite the fact that Michael Cera plays the lead, I actually really want to see. It appears to be what happens when a video game has sex with a movie. Awesome? I have no idea.