Amongst those running for president this year, one candidate in particular stands out as a bastion of common sense and decent thought. To ensure good dental hygiene for everyone and to bring about the long awaited pony-based economy of the future, there is only one candidate to choose come November.
Though Trump has been a shoe-in for the Republican primary ever since he first announced that his hair would be running, the Democratic Party is as schizophrenic as ever. The popular vote is split down the middle between Hillary Clinton – a known lizard sympathizer, likely one herself – and Bernie Sanders with his nigh impossible dreams. Come mid-June though, chances are high that the race will be down to Trump and Clinton, with a bunch of alienated Sanders supporters who see no real choice between the other two.
Given the systemic impossibility of a third party candidate actually winning the general election and with only a lizard and a snake to choose from, the choice, for me at least, is obvious. Amongst pests one stands supreme: Vermin Supreme. This rubber boot wearing presidential hopeful lacks all the obvious necessities of what makes a good president, but he more than makes up for his shortcomings by promising things that I want, and America needs.
Reptiles are not concerned about anyone’s well being besides their own. It’s well known that dental hygiene is one of the strongest indicators of overall health, and in order for a candidate to be taken seriously they must make impossible promises that inspire public confidence – lest they be outdone by those who easily bare their teeth and talk in tall tales.
Vermin Supreme will put into force a mandatory tooth brushing law, this should appeal to those who love governmental oversight in all areas of their lives. Supreme explained the need for action on this issue during the 2012 race, “for too long this country has been suffering a great moral and oral decay, in spirit and incisors. Our country’s future depends on its ability to bite back.” I don’t see why someone who would vote for Clinton would not find a reason to love this plan. “Friends,” Supreme continued, “what this mandatory tooth brushing law is really about, is strong teeth for a strong America.” The lack of a publically stated stance on the issue of mandatory tooth brushing casts severe shades of doubt on the viability of any of the major contenders.
Supreme has ran in presidential elections since 2004, and various local contests since 1987. He has admitted to shameless self-promotion, but that is necessary to succeed in politics, certainly he is not vain. Self-confidence is an important trait in a leader, but unlike Trump or Hillary, Supreme cares. He has assured his trustworthiness, saying: “I am a friendly fascist, I am a tyrant that you should trust and you should let me run your life, because I too know what is best for you. Yes I am a politician, I will promise you anything your little electorate heart desires, because you are my constituents. You are the informed voting public, and because I have no intention of keeping any promise that I make.”
Honesty and frankness alone makes Supreme a more fitting presidential candidate than Trump or Clinton, though his chances of winning are slim. In fact he himself doesn’t take his own candidacy seriously, “people will read into it, and that’s fine, because you know it is what it is, it’s obvious what it is: You can vote for Vermin Supreme. Look on the ballot – there’s Vermin. I get it, you can’t not get it. It’s none of the above.”
The circus that is the American presidential race has always deserved a proper clown and Supreme provides abundantly. He has received more votes each race, and so long as the choices are as wild as this year, keep to the plan and follow Supreme’s advice, “Vote early, vote often. Remember: A vote for Vermin Supreme is a vote completely thrown away.”