Professor Byers of Bellevue College declared his students missing after asking his Zoom class three questions last month. In his statement to the Watchcat, Byers recounted that he “waited in awkward silence for what felt like hours” before reporting them missing.
“You know,” Professor Byers commented, “Zoom is supposed to be a video conferencing platform. So when all I saw were a bunch of black, empty voids with their names on them and no one was answering me, I figured something must have gone terribly wrong.”
What Professor Byers didn’t realize was staring back at him was the terrifying, dark landscape known as the Zoom Abyss. And according to a recent study by the nonprofit advocacy group Students Against Staying on Mute, disappearances into the Abyss are only becoming more common. “One moment you think you’re just turning off your camera and microphone for a minute while you grab a snack, and next thing you know, you’re never seen in class again,” explained a representative of the group in an interview. It can be hard to notice when it is happening to you, say scientists, so it’s important to be vigilant. According to the representative, “It’s all too easy to get sucked in.”
A three-week search ensued through the Abyss for the missing class. In a brief press statement, the head of King County Search and Rescue told reporters that the Zoom Abyss is “like a black, inky void. The silence there is suffocating — no matter how loud you shout, there is never so much as a hint of an echo. Terrifying figures float in the darkness, figures without mouths, eternally mute.”
At press time, rescue teams refused to comment on the elder beings from the darkness between the stars also thought to lurk in the Abyss.
Luckily, the students were nevertheless found. Upon their return, they reportedly explained that they had all just stepped away for a second to use the restroom or to grab some water.
Editor’s Note: The above article is published in the Watchdog’s April 1st column, The Watchcat, and is a work of satire.
