In a press conference today, former U.S. President Donald Trump announced plans for a new Mar-a-Lago location on the hidden world of the Sith — Exegol. Trump explained that the planet made a fitting place to “rebuild the great, amazing Sith Order. I mean, the Republican Party. The big, beautiful Republican Party.”
Discussing his plans for the resort, Trump commented that “We’ll build a big, beautiful wall, and it’ll be the biggest, most beautiful wall, and it’ll float just slightly above the horizon like a menacing evil obelisk, naturally constraining the aspect ratio of the screen to give the shot a more epic look.”
When asked if he would remove the monuments to former Sith Lords, the former President remarked that “You can’t erase history,” and that really, there were “very fine people on both sides.”
The history of the site caused significant public uproar, especially among Democrats, who were concerned by the association with former Galactic Emperor Palpatine. Yet when pressed on the issue, Trump’s team didn’t back down. “Emperor Trump looks up to Lord Palpatine,” commented one former White House aide. “He was really big on national defense, and created an empire with a very strong economy. Plus, they didn’t have any fake news problems in the Empire like they do here. Emperor Trump really sees him as a great leader.”
Given the public outcry, the Democratically-controlled congress moved to block the building permit, but was halted by a memo from Trump, stating simply that “I am the Senate.”
When Mike Pence was later asked about the move, he commented that “you know, I’d love to answer that. And what I’d really like to touch on there is the Democratic Party and Hunter Biden. Also, what a great job the President did in the Middle East.” At press time, a fly was buzzing about his head.
Editor’s Note: The above article is published in the Watchdog’s April 1st column, The Watchcat, and is a work of satire.