“Kelenic should refrain from baseball activities until about mid-April,” says newly minted doctor Kevin Mather

Photo credit Cacophony under CC-BY-SA-3.0

As Seattle Mariner prospect Jarred Kelenic was rehabilitating himself with batting practice, the Watchcat got the opportunity to talk with the doctor behind his recovery: Kevin Mather. A recently disgraced former president of the Mariners, he quickly found interest in medicine when he learned it would give him continued opportunity to work with the young outfielder. The Watchcat inquired about his spur-of-the-moment career swap, to which he insisted that he “always had a vested interest in medicine. Do you know how much trouble I went through to buy, I mean, obtain this degree?” He brandished a certificate that clearly read “Havard.”

Kelenic, 21, was diagnosed with a Grade 2 abductor strain in his left knee that left him hospitalized on March 6. Still, he seemed strong and ready to get back onto the field. He expressed as much, saying that there was still time to go back and convince manager Scott Servais that he could still make the Opening Day roster. However, in the midst of the upbeat interview, Mather rudely intervened.

“I would like to firmly suggest that the patient be exempt from baseball activities until mid-April at earliest,” he urged. Kelenic, fresh off mashing baseballs over the left field fence, stared at him in confusion. When asked if the suggestion had anything to do with the service-time manipulation that got him fired in the first place, he said, “Of course not! I’m just looking out for what’s best for me. I mean, for him. All of this is so I can potentially regain my place with — so [Jarred] Kelenic can be the best baseball player he can be.”

Editor’s Note: The above article is published in the Watchdog’s April 1st column, The Watchcat, and is a work of satire.