How to (and why you should) break up over text

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If you ever find yourself needing to break up with someone, here’s a guide on how you should do it—over text. If you’re unsure about whether you should break up with someone over text, here’s the deciding factor: If you think they’re going to be upset about it, do it over text because then you don’t have to deal with their feelings. Now, with that out of the way, let’s get into the steps.

1. Text them a breakup line.

To start the conversation off, a one-sentence breakup line should help to get the point across. If you need ideas, here are five different break up lines!

a. I think we need to cancel our gym membership. We’re not working out anymore.

b. I think it’s time to take our relationship to the previous level.

c. Want to see a magic trick? POOF, you’re single!

d. Are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.

e. Our relationship is like my financial aid status: Broke.

2. When they reply back, tell them that you were never serious about the relationship.

Research shows that it helps for someone to be extremely angry when you’re trying to have a civil conversation with them, so this step should help get them there. Always remember that the angrier someone is, the better it will go.

3. Tell them they have five minutes to ask any questions and then you will never talk to them again.

This will make them even angrier, which should help the conversation. In addition, it will help you, since you won’t have to listen to them for hours on end. Five minutes and you’ll never have to think about them again.

4. Don’t answer any questions they ask.

Answering the questions will help them to feel less angry which will hurt the conversation. Instead, respond in ways that will make them angry. One question you’ll likely get asked is why you want to break up. Turn the question around and ask them why you should stay together.

5. When the five minutes are up, write “byeeeeee” and block them.

Like the past few steps, this will make them angry. And congrats on cutting them off! They may be the angriest they’ve ever been, but you should be on cloud nine knowing that you’ll never have to deal with them again.

Editor’s Note: The above article is published in the Watchdog’s April 1st column, The Watchcat, and is a work of satire.