This one’s for you, Jake. Honestly, you’re one of the most pleasant people I’ve ever met. That’s why everyone spends so little time around you and looks so annoyed when they do: it makes us feel bad about ourselves.
But you don’t hear nearly enough about all the little things you do for everyone, so I just thought I’d write a little note to let you know a few of my favorite behaviors that you should definitely keep doing. And God knows you don’t ever respond to my texts, so I figured I might as well publish it here where you’ll actually see it.
1. Continuously poking me
There are five love languages and one of them is human touch. What’s a better human touch than poking?
2. Making grammatical mistakes in text on purpose
Did you know that there are three different types of there? And have you ever heard of a period? Sometimes, I read your texts and think you’re trying to see how many grammatical mistakes you can make in a text message, and it always makes me smile. Pretending to be dumber than you are or intentionally trying to annoy anyone who can actually speak English is just so charming.
3. Click your pen, but not to a rhythm
You know, I just stopped listening to music after you started clicking your pen. Real music has all this disgusting rhythm, but your pen clicks are just random, beautiful chaos. I especially like it when you take lots of breaks and click the pen at different speeds. This will make sure the clicking sound is right in everyone’s eardrums and can’t be tuned out.
4. Run half an hour late to meetings
The world revolves around you, so if you want to run late to a meeting, do it! If they ask for a valid excuse on why you’re late, just tell them that you wanted to watch another episode on Netflix. That is perfectly understandable and should definitely clear up any issues. Plus, it’s part of what makes you so down-to-earth and relatable.
5. Call someone and then hang up right when they pick up the call
The person you called is always so curious about what you wanted. I mean, the suspense kills us. If we call back, answer the call, and then hang up. The prospect of getting to talk to you fills everyone with so much joy, it’s best if you can drag it out as long as possible.
6. Post every second of your life on social media
All of your Instagram followers are, of course, dying to know what time you started dinner and how many times your dog has barked in the last five minutes. You should work towards posting 40-50 times a day. Like I said, everyone just can’t get enough of you! Besides, it’s not like it will clog up anyone’s feed anyway — I’m pretty sure everyone that follows you has you on mute.
Editor’s Note: The above article is published in the Watchdog’s April 1st column, The Watchcat, and is a work of satire.